This morning, as I began an hour-long walk around my neighborhood, anxiety washed over me.
It started, as usual, with physical pain. My chest felt heavy and constricted. My throat tightened, making it difficult to take deep breaths. The base of my neck tensed up, and, unlike other times this has happened, the tension spread over my head and immediately occupied my eye sockets. Then, a sense that a swarm of bees was buzzing around in my brain capped off the physical sensations. All of this occurred within a minute.
And then I became aware that this wasn’t just physical pain. Emotionally, it felt as if every mental hang-up descended on me — catastrophizing, confusion, self-doubt, poor body image, and self-pity —I was experiencing it all, except for, thankfully, a full-blown panic attack.
One of the tactics my therapist taught me to address anxiety is to identify what’s triggering the situation. I must say, it felt like there were a lot of triggers this morning. Should I just take my pick? I wondered.
For someone who is prone to hope, experiencing these emotions makes me feel like an impostor.
The self-pity aspect struck me incredibly hard: Why is my brain wired this way?
Talking and writing about my anxiety while I experience it usually helps alleviate the pain and anxiety I feel. Therefore, I dictated much of this entry during my walk, hoping that talking things through would assist me. I’m happy to report that about 40 minutes into my walk, it did. The chest pain disappeared, and my throat started to loosen up. It no longer felt like a swarm was buzzing around in my head.
I stopped catastrophizing, and the rest of the emotional baggage felt as if it drifted away.
As always, I share this information to help others feel that they’re not alone and to teach those who don’t know what anxiety feels like what someone they care about may actually be experiencing.
In this harsh, harsh world, extend grace to one another, folks. You never know what the person next to you is experiencing inside.
