As this question notes, withholding forgiveness can function as a kind of self-harm. I just finished reading, The How of Happiness, by Sonja Lyubomirsky. In it, she points to a substantial body of research showing that people who forgive are less likely to experience hatred, depression, hostility, anxiety, and anger. They are more likely to be happy, healthy, agreeable, and at peace. By contrast, the inability to forgive is often tied to persistent rumination—a replaying the injury or imagining revenge. However, forgiveness allows a person to move forward.
I’ve seen this play out in my own life. Years ago, I confronted someone who had seriously wronged me. I entered that conversation without forgiveness in mind. But by the end, the person offered something I hadn’t expected: genuine repentance. That moment made forgiveness possible. When I chose it, the shift was immediate—it felt like a weight I had been carrying for years was suddenly lifted. The anger I had been holding onto loosened its grip, and with it, a great deal of pain. My mental health improved in ways I could clearly feel and could not have imagined.
Looking back, do I wish I had been able to forgive sooner, to have been the bigger person? Absolutely. But I’m also aware of how fortunate I was that the situation unfolded as it did. It showed me that forgiveness isn’t just something we offer others—it’s something we give ourselves.
